Teen Mom

I watch Teen Mom on MTV. I watch it every week. Here in adoptionblogland, everyone gushes over Cate Lynn. I'm jealous. I'm jealous because her mother wanted her to keep her baby and she gave her up anyways.

If I had ONE person on my side, my daughter would have never been relinquished. That is what makes me angry. Maybe it was the best decision for her, but shit, her mother was fighting for her own granddaughter and she was the villian for a while. She wasn't selfish, she just wanted to help her daughter out.

My favorite? Amber. Yeah, she can be a bitch. But guys, (and gals) this girl has nerves of fucking steel. She is doing it basically alone. She has no extended family besides Gary's mom who helps her out drastically. She will be okay in time. She will get the GED. She reminds me of myself at that age.

I wish I had Cate Lynn's mother.

I just wish I had a mother who gave a damn about me.

So my son is going to college. I'm letting it all out here. I'm pissed.

I called my sister yesterday and all she said was "oh". That was it. No congrats, nothing. Oh.

She is an Elementary School Principal. She makes more money than me, the lowly factory worker. Yep, I'm a piece of shit person who didn't go to college, but who works every fucking day. Yeah. I haven't ever asked her for shit once in my fucking life.

Bitch. I know what she is thinking. Since my son is spawn of the whore, he cannot attend and graduate college. He is doomed to he a factory worker/whore like his mother. My daughter, well, the only reason she graduated college is because I didn't raise her. You can claim upbringing on that note.

But my son? Going to college, and to be a (sit down, you may need a minute) TEACHER? She was a teacher before she became a Principal. She is the ONLY person who has ever become a teacher who had factory workers as parents. Ever. And my son's biological father is in jail. Oh, the humanity. What the fuck is the world gonna do if MY SON becomes successful?

I know that she has used my son as a guide to her kids. Don't be like him or else you will have to work in a factory. "be like?" Okay. So I let my kid decide what he wants to do. I let him make his own mistakes. Sometimes we fight, but I end up losing because he has to learn his own mistakes. I try to prevent him from always learning them the hard way, but he is one of those people. The only way he learns is through experience.

I don't choose his friends. I can tell him I don't like one or two of them, but I leave it at that. I don't know what he is doing every second of the day. He is 18 now. I like to treat him that way.

She on the other hand, she doesn't let her kids run around with BAND kids. Because they are bad kids, you know. And she makes them swim because she doesn't want them around the basketball or the football kids. The swim kids are more "elete."

My sister is a total fucking bitch. I mean it.

I'm going to a new church Sunday. By myself. I have a problem with organized Christianity. I grew up in a conservative Christian church. (bear with me) Okay. We went to church EVERY Sunday, yet my mom was a complete psychotic bitch who made my life a living hell. I remembered today, her yelling at me for eating lunch meat because it was my dad's. I was pregnant and she was yelling at me for eating. Yeah. That and I remembered today her laughing at me when I had my head in the toilet with morning sickness. Then she said "well, that is what you deserve!" Yep. Mom was a real pill.

So I was raised in a home of "I go to church" people. You know the type. Go to church every Sunday, but then you go home and beat your kids. Or drink. Or abuse your spouse. My mother just terrorized us. She didn't drink. I would suppose you could say that she abused my dad.

Anyhow, then when I moved in 2000, I decided to try a Baptist church. That was okay, until I found out their stance on homosexuality. Personally, I believe that it is how we are programmed. And who is to say that God didn't make it that way to see if self proclaimed "Christians" aren't being judgemental?

I believe it is how we are wired. Homosexuals are just different. They still breathe. They still eat. They just want the same rights as what we "normal" people have and abuse. Like marriage. We abuse that all the time and get divorced. Even I will admit that marriage has lost some sacredness. And even though I cannot imagine life without my (second) husband, I have to admit. Nothing lasts forever.

So I was at a standstill. I want to go to a church where I don't have to hear "and we will welcome the gays but they have to repent their sins and they have to rehabilitate themselves." Of what? Being different?

So I cannot sit in a Baptist church, with half of the congregation sitting there with the hangovers they swear they don't have. Because you know, drinking a beer will send you to Hell.

So I'm trying a Universalist Unitarian. They don't tolerate discrimination. Maybe when I say the story about finding my daughter, I won't get the "look". You know if you are reunited. The "well you are the birthmother, you don't deserve to see your child ever again" look. The "I want to call you a whore but you are in church". It happens. Maybe is is where I live that makes it bad. But I'm the type of person who will say fuck you if you don't like it.

And I cannot sit in a church that slanders homosexuals or different people. I just want to yell "bullshit" what that happens.

Thanks for the well wishes and comments.

I did fine.

I think that I have a good sense of humor. You have to have one to survive, let alone the shit that I went through.

The doctor told my husband that the polyps look like precancerous cells, so that is really good news. Had I waited a couple of years, it might not have been good. But I couldn't wait that long.

She said that there were no blood vessels attached to the polyps. At least I didn't have to have a hysterectomy.

Thanks again everyone.

Goodbye, my childbearing years. You are almost officially over.

I have thought for about six months now that I was going through premenopause. I finally broke down and went to the gyno, and tomorrow, I'm having my IUD removed, a tubal, a D&C and a uterine ablation.

And..........my daughter is coming to see us on Saturday. Surgery tomorrow, daughter on Saturday.

I know I will be okay. I'm just tired of feeling horrible half the time. And I mean half because now I have two periods a month.

However, I will not be able to be the surrogate mother of my daughter's children. We have joked about that for years now, every since we got reunited. I would have her children for her, and then hand them over.

You know? I would. In a heartbeat. I would for my son, too, for that matter. It was just a running joke that I'd be the birthmom of my grandchildren too. Some may not think it is funny. Maybe it isn't.

Mother,
I've been contemplating writing you this. I have written so many letters over the years, only to burn them simply because I was too afraid of my own anger.

I pity you. I will never forgive you for what you did to me over the years. You made my life hell, and you loved it. You enjoyed beating the shit out of me when I was little. You really enjoyed it when I ran away after a particular bad beating and I ran away from home. Of course, I was returned home.

I should have been taken out of that home when I was little. I wish that you would have let Aunt Donna raise me like she wanted to, like she asked. I always felt that you were angry. Angry that your mother died, angry that you went blind, angry that I was a girl.

Things that you did to me were and still are inconcieveable. I cannot imagine telling my scared shitless fifteen year old pregnant teenager that I hope that she has a hard labor so she will "learn her lesson". What kind of fucked up shit is that? I would never fathom to hang a picture of the baby that I forced her to give away on the wall to torture her, to keep her emotionally a wreck. To look at day after day. Hell, you were blind, but you sure as shit knew when I was taking it down.

Going through your things, I saw where you put the picture in with my last things from you. Even in death, you have to have your last say, don't you?

I would never make my kid write to distant family members, saying what a whore my daughter was and that she was pregnant and going to give the baby away. I will never forget the defeated feeling of reading those letters back to you, so you knew that I "got it right."

But, you taught me a lot of things that other people will never see. You taught me to stand on my own two feet, because I sure as shit could not count on anyone in my family when I needed them most. You ALL abandoned me, giving me the only option of surrender, when it was the last thing that I ever wanted to do.

You gave me strength, because I have had several people tell me that they are glad that you were not their mother. You scared people. Friends, family, you were a bitch to the max. You were a miserable fuck who was only happy when you made others miserable.

Look at dad after you died. He was HAPPY. It was hard for my sister to see him that way, but he acted like someone who just got divorced. Someone who WANTED to be divorced. And I totally got why he was that way. Because she spent 45 horrible years with YOU.

I pity you. I pity your soul, no matter where it is. I wonder if God will make you wait eighteen years for you to see your mother? You couldn't even be happy for me when she found me. "OH MY GOD" is all you could say. Because you knew that the charade was over. TaDa.

Fuck you. You know why I pity you? Because you had the one thing that you didn't deserve, and you know it. You fucked that up. Yeah, I lost her for that period of time. But guess what? She didn't think I was a whore. She LOVES me. Yeah, you heard me. That baby you didn't want to enter the house grew up and guess what? She fucking loves me and you can't stop it.

You thought that I would forget and move on. Fuck you. You wouldn't even talk to your own sister for 35 years because SHE wanted to move to Florida. What do you do? Not talk to her for that long.

I found out recently that you actually thought that I would stop loving my own son when she found me. Unlike you, you fuck, I can love two kids. Just the same.

I pity you because you had it all with me. And you blew it big time. You had the influence over me and you made me a bitter person. Every day, I feel the weight of you lifting a little at a time.

I pity you because when you needed me most, I was there. When I needed you most, you deserted me. You made fun of me. You did everything possible to make my life a living hell, but I kept on. I stayed living when weaker people would have slit their wrists and be done with it. I stayed hoping for a better life someday.

I rememeber calling dad crying shortly after you died because I didn't miss you. He thought that I did and I started sobbing because I felt bad that I should have missed you and I didn't. I go to your grave and stand there. I thought about getting something one time that said "Mother" on it. I entertained the idea of going to wal mart and spending ten dollars on it, but then thought "fuck it."

You didn't deserve me as a daughter. You tried to apologize once when you thought that you were going to die. I remember you saying "I was a horrible mother to you." Yeah, that really makes up for those years of emotional torture, physical and emotional abuse, etc. Then you took it back later.

I pity you because you had the purest of loves. A child's love. You destroyed that day after day. You did everything you could to make me feel like a failure, and I did for many years. Not now. Not ever again.

See, you can't control my emotions anymore. You can't. I still think of the abuse from time to time, thanking God that my son will never have to deal with that kind of downright vicious hateful mother.

By being a horrible mother, you taught me how to be a good one. Everything you did, I do the opposite.

Goodbye, Mother, I won't be writing you anymore. And I'm glad I did it before the decade ended.

Your daughter.

I don't give my husband enough credit. EVER.

Why am I still, 23 years later, afraid of opening up? Nothing happened. I was just listening to him laugh. And how destroyed I'd be if I didn't hear it anymore.